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.My Journey through Life
The following hopefully makes compelling reading. It records my journey written over many years, but the main records I'm copying were written in 2004. When a new level of understanding brought all the pieces of the jigsaw slowly together. Experiences of a spiritual path recognised and of life for me as it occurred. I am still looking for the reasons why such things happen to me. I still respectfully mock the question 'why me?' as much is still as mind-blowingly unbelievable to me, as I'm sure it will be to you, as I tell my story. It is a huge burden upon myself to believe what I can do, yet in my heart, I feel the truth. I question if I can do it justice and why I was chosen, as I am nothing more than a lost cause trying to find her way.
My journey to date has been a difficult one, but I do not look back in anger or sorrow. It has been a journey of gaining knowledge and strength, as it continues to be. I am proud of the person I have become and I know I have a purpose. To those who doubt, don't feel loved, feel lost or misguided, suffer depression or other hidden illnesses, think it will never get better, or question 'why me?' Believe that the truth will get through. Believe and trust in yourself. everyone has their own path. It is your decision whether to be what you want, who you are, or to sit back and watch the world go by. Life is a choice. You are the driver of your own vehicle down your path. If something feels right to you, trust your instincts. See life for what it is.. a journey on which you will learn many things. No one says life is going to be easy. If you don't get burnt or make mistakes, you would never learn the meaning of danger or sense something wrong. The rockiness of the path only makes the smooth parts more welcoming and noticeable.
The collection of writings within are still jumbled and many pages are just notes, but they will hopefully turn into a book one day. The following contains extracts of my life describing confusion, love, fear, awe, friendships I finally allowed and the rebirth and growth of the real me. My true self, that had been trying to escape for so long.
I have gone from a naïve country lass to a loving strong sensual woman, who cares so deeply and believes in herself. Can share her love openly and give for others happiness. Someone took the time to recognise she had fallen, picked her up, dusted her down and found the true spirit within. Many others have crossed my path, they too have shone brightly and connected, but not been the one who was to stay and unite with me. They were likeminded souls that generate energy for others to tune into. We now ensure the light and love continues on.
Each person that reads my book, relates to similar feelings, hears the messages from beyond, gets strength from the words and ultimately themselves, will understand how powerful energy can be. It channels through me, from a higher good, a greater love and I am honoured and humbled to have experienced it and be able to pass it on. Call it the touch of an angel, higher beings, messengers, friends.. or just plain crazy folks! I know that part of my path is to continue to touch others.. whether it be physical, mental, spiritual or emotional. If I can make someone smile, or give a hug and pass on the beautiful energy to another, give messages from beyond, heal tired bodies, or just be the ears to understand someone in need. It can only be good for the world. We are all joined as one.
I am just the messenger. Thank you for listening.
There will no doubt be other special people who cross my path in the future. Yet one I promised to never forget. The one who gave me the first push and helped me understand what was happening. That was Andy - he found the angel within and encouraged me to teach her to fly.
Andy was someone who connected with me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. No one had ever connected with me this way before. If I'm honest I didn't expect anyone to again, but I lived in hope.. a handful of other guides have passed my way since, but I know there is a special one.. I have seen him in my dreams and he is my rainbows end. Someone who can awaken more of who I truly am within. I wait for our moment together - so we can fly together and make special memories, on this journey called life.
Andy nurtured me until I was able to walk alone, showed me how gifted I was, taught me much, helped with my awakening, yet asked for nothing in return. Words will ever be able to thank him enough for rescuing the caterpillar who had got stuck due to circumstances. He called me an angel. But I was more likened to a butterfly emerging from the chrysalis. Yet he will remember me as Andy's angel - a little lost one with broken wings that he patched up and told me I had to continue on my journey. Without his input, strength, belief, friendship and energy, I would not have had my awakening. He is the true earth angel here. One who's energy I will never forget.
When you connect with such a likeminded being, it is so magickal, spiritual and totally unforgettable .. brings life to your soul, lights the embers within and remains inside as part of you, fuelling your journey. Andy was not a free soul, but told me my special was out there. I knew then my journey was as a single soul on my path, learning, growing, gaining strength and understanding. When the time was right, my special would cross my path and I would feel that magickal energy again !
Andy. My biker buddy from Ringwood.. You may be lost - but wont be forgotten. Thank you for mending my wings x
'Believe there is something better out there. Trust in yourself and you will be shown the way forward. When you are ready for the next chapter, your teacher will find you.'
Andy was right ..from the Sioux guide to the teachers who found me they all warrent a mention but another one who has to have place here is my special caveman Kev, who came into my world 12 October 2015..he helped find the Wildkatt within and made my world of dreams and reality a very special place.. our moments will hopefully continue,, as he is the new wind beneath my wings and although our life is more virtual than real, he knows how special he is to me and my world. Another wonderful free spirited biker who has captured my heart, mind and spirit completely. Its taken nearly two years to find the confidence to start to write up notes and believe in this writing dream. I hope my future stories and writings do justice to the fire that he re lit within and the feelings that he brings alive in me. Big Kev knows I will always be indebted to him for my newfound freedom, the lakes he introduced me to, the hills that i climbed to reconnect with the animals and Spirits.. and he has my unconditional friendship forever. When we both find time to land from our journeys, I hope that life allows us to share the moments that we both crave ... together. If not, he will still remain my dream man, my inspiration, my smile deep within ... and I will continue my journey alone .. for now xxx
MY STORY - BY WILDKATT
Chapter One - Just a naïve country lass
I was brought up in a bungalow, beneath a wooded copse, on top of a gruelling hill that my legs swore at daily. As a child I would spend more time outside than in. I assume this is where my closeness to nature and my path started.
I spent many hours with my hands in the earth, making mud pies, clay huts in miniature, lashing twigs together. Weaving them in and out, both on a small and grand scale. Wooded areas beneath the shade of trees and bushes felt so homely to me. I always dreamt of living in the wild. With a tense upbringing ( I was the black sheep of the family, and a bit of a wild child!) my thoughts of running and escaping to the freedom of the country, were often at the forefront of my mind. Even today the wilderness calls me. It pulls me from deep within.
To me, I will always be a country lass, 'a gypsy,' a free spirit, bare footed and long curly hair, rosy cheeks and a smile. Pure bliss, total freedom. I used to collect fir cones to comb my hair, studied nature.. learnt names of all the butterflies and birds, yet struggled with the trees and plants. Something that eludes me even today and I've a desperate need to conquer, to help me learn the old ways of plant medicine that interests me. I kept a bag hidden outside the bungalow, my knapsack! With oxo cubes, matches and an old kettle within,. Waiting for the time when I could run away to the fields where I felt at home. My family laughed at my antics, but to me it was my dream.
Whenever I was upset or reprimanded, I would run barefoot to my sanctuary within the woods. Many times clambering through the bathroom window to lessen the distance to escape from bad moments. I felt at home and protected within the trees. Even today I feel drawn to them as strongly. Feel them. Sense something beyond explanation. I see and feel the beauty around, but wish I could be a part of it in a much deeper way.
Animals were my friends. I spoke to them both aloud and mentally. We were part of something so much more important and special. I was a loner and preferred their company to people, always have. They were to prove important to my life. Without an animal beside me I was nothing. Numb, depressed, empty no purpose. But to have a friend near who understood your connection and loved you unconditionally, I felt valued and they were my special family, a part of me belonged with them. Still does.
I saved many a wild bird or mouse from the clutches of our cats. They would be boxed within a straw bed, nurtured and kept until they had the strength to be released back to the wild. Or were sent peacefully onwards following their last breath. I chased butterflies, caught slowworms, watched lizards and laughed at grasshoppers. Admired the depth of colour of a cowslip and blew dandelion seeds as far as they could go. Ran through the green grass and sat beneath the tress, throwing helicopter seeds to watch them spin and fly in the breeze. Marvelled at the dew clinging to the cobwebs in the mornings, and sat waiting outside badger setts patiently, hoping to glimpse a sight of the elusive 'Brock.'
I look back on this part of my life and feel a love, a tenderness, a happiness I wish I could have again. It had such an impact on me. I always call myself a country girl as it is still within the heart of my soul. Its where I am happiest. This is the life I crave to return to and experience again.
Little did I know then, that there was a big wide world out there that ate woodland sprites like me for breakfast. I knew I was different and one of a kind, but felt alone. Even when around people I needed reason to escape from the crowds. I wanted someone to tap me on the shoulder and explain why I was special in my own way. All I knew was that I had to walk my own path, which was the little thing I held onto when the going got tough and lonesome. Yet I needed to be free, could never stay in one place or allowed myself to be tied down. No one could clip my wings. Until I ventured into the big bad world of realism. The claws of circumstance caught hold, cities, people and industry started to drown me within, darken the areas around me and negative imps began to reel me in as bait...
Chapter two - Dreams of Flying
As a child I would dream. Fascinating dreams. I would run down our steep path, jump off the bank at the end and fly. I saw myself. I didn't need to flap my 'wings,' though I tried ! I glided and soared and controlled my direction and the dream. I think I was initially running away from someone as well as my pain, but flying was freedom and escape. I had total control. I could stop and start as I wished. I didn't always fly. I walked and ran timelessly without effort in my mind. Alone or with company. Even within the dreams I questioned if I was dreaming. Pinching myself to see if it hurt. It did ! But then I'd still wake up in the morning !
I flew down neighbours gardens and around the local valley. I saw colours. I saw dust. I saw sky. I saw people. I felt everything. I could land and adventure into territory unknown. When I woke I remembered many journeys and asked questions about areas I had seen. Discovering where I had travelled in my dream actually existed. I realised I could go places in my dreams before I had ever been there, or even knew they were there. Twenty plus years on. My de ja vue recalls dreams and I am suddenly writing about visiting places and recalling events, actions and discussions I know I have experienced before within these dreams. Sometimes it happens within days, other times events are recalled years on. I knew then, I had dreams of events that came true. I say it cautiously even now, fearing ridicule. Such things are talked about more openly now and are much more accepted. So perhaps it is time to be heard.
I know I need to do this, tell my story. I always said I would write a book. I wanted to inform others of messages and tell of my life that has so much happening in it, so others would know they were not alone and could take comfort from the words. I admire so many people who show courage within life. I understand how they find the strength where more fortunate and able people wouldn't. It is about being ready. Even being chosen to be seen and heard. I am still a nobody, but it is not me who is doing this, as much as something beyond driving me, because I have to. I don't understand and don't know if I ever will, but I know it feels right... and to that end, these words are to be read.
I remember one dream in my youth that is most insistent on being told. I was picked up in a helicopter type machine with a glass curved front. It came to collect me from right outside my parents bungalow on top of the hill. It had hovered within feet of my home and I had watched it come closer. I can remember thinking how come its so close. I don't recall anything after but it happened to me more than once. Maybe I was being rescued to get me away. I haven't deciphered this event yet. Perhaps something journeys within me. Perhaps it was nothing but a dream. But of all the ones that I could choose to write about, this one comes to mind. No they didn't look like aliens, but I remember the big helmets looking at me flying across the valley, searching me out and hovering above. I did not fear them. I was in awe. Perhaps I'm not supposed to know or understand this one. Maybe it is a message for another. Who knows. But I know it is important to be told.
Chapter three - A Mothers Love
The Sioux Awakening
My Healing journey has been a long one. I am naturally gifted and was very aware of the power within, resulting that I did not open up fully until just before my 50th birthday when I started to understand more and trust was gained with Spirit.
From a child I had a sense that I WAS BEING TOLD BY SPIRIT I could ' Kill or cure with a touch of a finger' which was a hard thing to carry, along with my heightened sensitivity as an empath, I suppose thats part of why I have always been a loner. I joined various groups of like minded peeps during my growth, including a witches Coven , who were very scared of me as did not know my intentions ie good or bad. In 2008 I did a shamanic reiki 1 course in Glastonbury followed by being attuned to 2 and 3 just to get a 'piece of paper' qualification, as back then natural healers were not so accepted. This led to me working in a little market stall in Wath as a Reiki Master, where I had opened an enchanted gift shop of pagan items and subsequently started to offer the odd healing session. I called my healing 'zapping' as it never followed the Reiki way. I had been told in previous years that i was working at / from a much higher level but as i was busy raising my family and working full time, until 2004 I had not investigated fully the spiritual side of my life and ignored Spirits calling .. despite their constant nagging lol .
In 2004 I started writing about my experiences and messages that I had received, plus my journey from childhood to then. It was part of a book that has yet to develop fully as I have been through so much in my life which has helped me counsel and understand others.. of course this is part of ongoing training from Spirit and left me with many scars from a life journey that I had to start sorting out and healing during my 49th year..in 2017 the year I created my Mystickal Shaman stall and returned to the same market in Wath to come out of hiding and start to be seen in public again.
Now I knew I was ready, Spirit put me in touch with a shamanic teacher ..Although I have been told this is not necessary as my channelled healing speaks for itself, again I had the problem of acceptance as a naturally gifted healer amongst the MBS fayre people, who did not know of me. So as I knew it would be good for my healing and understanding of my upcoming path, it is something that I have embraced and enjoy the 'pieces of the puzzle' coming together as names and understanding of what I do all makes sense ! Previously I did not want to have information as I did not want my hands to be guided by my head, but now I trust in what i do completely and am aware that I channel many Spirit doctors, not just shamans so my 'zapping' continues alongside the knowledge and qualifications gained.
Although this training, as much of the shamanic is nowadays is Peruvian based, I was consistently aware that I am very native American based and this is my path. As a totem animal visionary and having been found online by a Sioux who was verifying my shape shifting and visionary gifts, I have a very deep connection to them which pulls at me to seek another Elder who will hopefully take me under their wing in the future, to offer again what I had once before. As this Sioux (I only remember him as using name of 'Crazy Horse' online and was a biker who did charity runs for his people) said to me, that many of his people are born nowadays without the gifts that I have, so he invited me to go to the Reservation, to learn the ways of the Lakota Sioux.. this obviously threw me at the time, as I was a single mum and had never travelled out of the country before.
I continued to speak with the Sioux for a couple of weeks after that, as he allowed me to see and feel enough for me to start to be awakened into his world. Suddenly the communication went quiet. I was informed that sadly, he had suffered a heart attack and Chief Red Feather said he was aware of the offer made to me and what did I want to do? But, I knew that this was a sign, it was not the time and deep down I was still to naive and was not ready for such a huge move, especially when I still had responsibilities. A decision I have regretted ever since, as a couple of weeks later my son moved out and I was free to investigate my spiritual path further.
This is the point where I used my newfound internet to connect with other spiritual folk who found me online - calling me a Seer and allsorts of other things I never really understood, as I was so hermitised and distant from the big wide world.. so as I look back at notes I wrote, I smile and realise that I was awakening all my life to my path. Online these new friends also verified my abilities, as I was able to connect with them, even tho online and I realised I was able to tune in to them and able to read photos psychically. I seemed to travel into other worlds to collect information about people both living and past.. which I had continued to dabble with over the years, since my childhood.
However, during this time I also ended up in another world, which brought me into a new lifestyle and a time of pain and learning for me. It was to be both my undoing and my intense growth. I moved to Devon then Cornwall, from Gloucestershire, where I had interacted with Wiccans, but they said it was not my path and felt I was more Druidic, I knew this was all relevant but it did not sit right with me.
It was not until I returned back home to Gloucestershire, that my connection with Nature intensified even more. However, at a time of my Dads passing, this then pushed me back into this other lifestyle again. I lost myself again a while in a lifestyle that has a lot to answer for, but also allowed me to develop a hard shell within my shadow self.
I was able to break free from this in 2014 following an accident and emergency operations, when I nearly died, that I was given my third chance by Spirit to embrace my healing and Spiritual gifts. As I now had a second chance at life, I knew it was time to start living and getting myself healed and back on track. This is when the Wildkatt within started to find herself and acknowledged her healing path that was calling. 2015 to 2017 was an intense time of letting go of many things, finding a safety net in someone who helped inspire me ,to embrace the freedom of the countryside and learn to connect again.
Thanks to my dearest friend Kev, I refound my true self and discovered the lake district, which just makes me cry when I visit and became my new retreat to re energise in. Although still hermitised from the public due to hidden disabilities from my life's journey. Being such a highly sensitive empath, the mind body spirit fayres and market was the place where I was to start learning to cope with other people again. I had to learn to accept the energies are part of who I am, and acknowledge that the only way to survive was to use my sensitivity in a positive way, rather than let it knock me back. This path has been calling for so long and it no longer could be denied..lol. Im glad the Spirits didnt give up on me, but then after they had been nagging me for 49 years, I realsied that I had no choice but to stop running away, take that leap of faith and trust in them to look after me. So our relationship started to grow as I accepted I was wanted as their channel to pass on messages and healing, to those who were ready to be helped on their journey !
2017 I started to socialise by going out to drumming groups.. this is where I was awakened by the beat of the drum and had to have some of my own.. its become a bit of an addiction and I had a collection of 20 of my own lol. My soul had started to sing again and a huge pull to shamanism that I never even knew had a name until then ! I had come home and finally realised what I was. Despite having websites prior called Medicine Woman Katt and Lady Katt Psychic and so many other spiritual ventures that had been part of my previous dabbles .. I had an awakening - a rite of passage that made everything fit. I realised this was a strong part of me all my life. From my addiction to cowboy and Indian programmes as a child - to my ownership of coloured horses, to visions of Indians in canoes and my own vision of myself as a native child .. paddling ..and when my name of 'Running Deer through water' was given. To my chance meeting with Crazy Horse 5 x great grandaughter who gifted me the wolf throw I still have today. ( She too verified my gifts ) To the animal visions that have been with me and strengthened and multiplied since I accepted them as part of my life.. to the time at home in my childhood when I would run into the woods an hide in the teepee made from sticks.. to the desire to learn herbalism and the ongoing craving to live outside amongst Mother Nature and the wild animals, finding it hard to accept my bricks n mortar homes, whilst being a wanderer and never able to settle, and so many other things.
This life as a Native American Indian Medicine Woman had been calling to me for soo long, but I kept resisting as I never believed in myself or loved myself enough to see the truth. First you have to heal yourself before you can heal others.. and now 50 years on .. I am ready for the next chapter in my life - and do just that !! I also learnt patience and culled my green eyed jealousy, accepting that during all this life of ups and downs I had to experience so much to be able to let go of everything, trust, and just be.. I recognised that I never lost the one thing that is the very core of me - the ability to find something good in everyone and offer unconditional love. The most important trait and all you need to be happy. Yes this made me vunerable - still does, and no doubt Im not easy to be understood as this wild mad woman lol... but I wouldn't change a thing about me now.. I love the person I have become and and am becoming and its taken my whole life to accept me just the way I am. I smile as that's the first time I've written that. It seems I am finally ready and have healed myself after all :)
So.. at end of 2017, I had a conversation with Spirit saying if I could only get out of debt I would commit full time to this path that calls me...and be their channel for healing and embrace the shamanic journey full time. They responded with 'paint your drums' and trust Us .. and that is when everything started to come together.
By January 2018, I had 4 months to my 50th birthday, I was now painting drums and healing with them and alongside them, had signed up for a shamanic course to makes sense of my gifts and trusted in the one thing that mattered.. Spirit! Despite continual ongoing attacks from others, who never talked to me or understood my path - or just saw me as some sort of competition, or just jealous, I was able to focus. I committed to Spirit saying I don't need friends or acceptance by those on another vibration, all I need is to trust in Spirit and they will lead the way to those who will understand me. In return I have been blessed, as They have brought me to others, who work from the heart and allowed me to leave behind those on a different vibration.
I realised I did not need to be angry or upset, or waste my energy worrying about negativity in Life, as those who did me wrong were dealt with by Spirit with karma. I then realised Spirit was confirming that I was on the right path and they were not, by allowing me to get rewards for my efforts, Wildkatt the healer and my drums suddenly took off and it was time for me to shine! SO I had to just send love back and ignore them, as I had bigger and better things to deal with - thanks to Spirit pushing me forwards faster than I expected !
Doors started to open. Mentors and people who believed in me and saw my healing, kept pushing me forward too, after verifying me and telling me that I could do this. I had an inner knowing that on my 50th Birthday it would be time to come out, go public and show what Spirit wanted to share. I surprised myself by agreeing to attend and host talks and demonstrations.. I have lost all my fear, the strength and fire within has started to burn again and I walk forward daily knowing Spirit has kept their part of the bargain. So now it is my turn, to take that leap of faith and put myself in front of everyone and allow the channelling to begin and let Wildkatt grow as I serve Them.
I'm feeling blessed that I can repay others by doing my bit for the community. I channel healing and play my drums, as then people get me and feel my energies. My nerves still show during my Wildkatt waffle lol, as my vocal chords are also given some freedom and my story is slowly being told, alongside the calming deep and meaningful wisdom and counselling from the highest channels, through me. I am still in awe at the things I have seen, done and spoken of, as a vessel for those who use me .. for the right reasons ! I am proud to know that I will be part of something that can help heal others, just by trusting in Spirit and all the other entities and other world beings for whom I am a channel. I am just the messenger and it is done thanks to the power of love !
Its been an amazing 6 months and life journey in preparation, leading up to this my 50th Birthday - 28 April 2018.. I regret not one moment that I have had to experience to get me here. Now I walk forward on the first part of my next path .. as a Mobile Shaman with my Wildkatt Healing Drums. Where Spirit will take me with this is yet to be seen. But I trust in them completely. Hopefully it will lead me to a place where my next teachers will find me, allow me to learn so much more to become the medicine woman within. As I continue to learn, share and heal, I do not have much to give - only myself. I hope that is enough. I walk forward with hope and look to the light, carrying within the one thing that I have held onto through it all.. unconditional love.
There is much more to tell, but that will be written within my books that i hope to have time to work on when my base amongst that which calls, is found !
xx Wildkatt xx
Chapter five - White Wolf Walking
Chapter six - I am an Empath
Chapter seven - Life
............................................................................................................ to be continued !